


A cursed life

by CaptainLokii



Series: Holby ED [1]
Category: Casualty (TV)
Genre: Angst, Car Accident, Coming Out, Eating Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Illness, One sided relationship, injuries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2016-12-12
Packaged: 2018-09-08 06:01:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8833159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainLokii/pseuds/CaptainLokii
Summary: Dr Sebastian Grayling hasn't had the happiest of lives so far and when someone comes into his life it tips him over the edge but can that someone help piece him together again.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



> This fic was inspired by the passion for fandom from the lovely Laurie who is a great person and they do a lot for the shoelace fandom. I hope they and you like it. 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING!!  
> Eating Disorder: talk of binging and purging plus starvation  
> Mental Illness: given who is in this story you can figure its gunna come up
> 
> (there will be another fic coming of what happened when Lofty went after Dylan)

No one had cared about him before now.  
His mum hadn’t been around leaving him to be raised by his father who despised him. Nothing he did was ever going to be good enough for him no matter how hard he tried.  
When he was old enough to go to Uni he left and planned to never contact his father again the last time he had seen him he was working somewhere in London bossing people about and forever being the hero.  
Uni hadn’t been the new life he had hoped it would there weren’t the endless parties and lots of friends it was just him, his dorm room and lots of books.  
In school, he had struggled with his grades as his father had insisted he always get A* and anything less was a disgrace and he pushed himself trying to be the best he could just to see an ounce of pride in his father’s eyes but it never came.  
So, he cut ties and followed his passion of becoming a doctor and passed his exams and finally could call himself a doctor.  
So here he stood Dr Sebastian Grayling working for Holby ED under the mentorship of Dr Dylan Keogh a quiet man with no social skills and a general dislike for him after running over his dog with a bike. Dylan’s dislike for him had lifted some after how he treated Dervla when he found her but he could still see the dislike in his eyes. Just like his dad.  
He couldn’t go through that again he thought to himself after another long shift. He had dragged himself back to his flat and thrown himself down on the sofa. He was not going to be hated by someone he admired anymore he was going to make Dr Keogh proud of him even if it killed him.  
Dylan was one of the best doctors he had ever met and even with his social ineptitude and all round grumpiness.  
He was going to push himself harder than he ever had before until he earned Dylan’s respect. 

It took effort and almost pushing himself to breaking point but he thought that maybe now Dylan was at least willing to put up with him now but of course something had to come along and fuck it all up.  
He and Dylan were working on a patient in resus when he saw him walk passed the window and he froze staring.  
“What are you doing? You are going to kill the patient” Dylan huffed at him  
Sebastian shook his head and went back to doing compressions.  
The patient didn’t make it.

He was so fucked. 

This was meant to be his new start, a new life and yet the demons from the passed at followed him.  
His father was in Holby. 

It didn’t take long for them to bump into each other again despite his best efforts to avoid him. It didn’t take but two seconds for a snide comment to leave his dads lips about why he was wearing a doctor’s uniform rather than one of a porter. He tried to stand up to him but all he did was cut him down again and ripped every shred of confidence he had in himself away before striding off to another department.  
He stood in place looking down at the ground trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to leak from his eyes. He couldn’t show weakness here not in front of the entire team. 

He composed himself and turned to pick up the set of notes for his next patient when he noticed Dylan watching him from the other side of the ED, he had seen the entire thing. Fuck, he was never going to respect him now.  
Since finding out where he worked his father’s visits to the ED had become more frequent to the point he seemed to spend more time there than he did in his actual department.  
He felt like he was hanging on by a fraying thread that broke a little more with every snide comment. 

This time he had come in and called him a second-rate doctor with a second-rate degree and he felt like the ground was going to swallow him whole he felt so small. He certainly hadn’t expected Dylan to step forward and to defend him and say he was a good doctor. His dad even looked a bit taken aback by Dylan’s sudden outburst but that didn’t stop him from mocking Dylan to calling him crazy for his thing with the number four before stalking off. Dylan just looked blankly after him before walking off somewhere else.  
Why was he such a fuck up. 

Living with his dad had forced him to learn how to keep secrets because he couldn’t give him anymore ammo to attack him with but going to Uni had allowed him to explore some of those secrets a little more. 

He met a guy called Rhys in his 4th year who was kind and sweet and amazed him with how care free he seemed and they became friends. One evening when they were watching TV in Rhys’s dorm room when Rhys leant over and kissed him. 

He didn’t know how to react he felt so many emotions at once: shame, anger, self-loathing, fear, disgust and he felt like was going to be sick he pushed away from him and covered his head with his hands and tried to hide the tears that were flowing. 

“what’s wrong dude?” Rhys asked

“I can’t, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” he sobbed

“Can’t what? What’s wrong? Never been kissed by a guy before?” 

Sebastian sniffled into his sleeve and shook his head

“have you ever been kissed by anyone before?” Rhys said jokingly 

Sebastian froze like a deer in headlights

“whoa, you haven’t have you? Oh, wow that’s sad” Rhys laughed 

Sebastian ran has fast as his feet could carry him back to his own dorm and sunk to the floor the moment the door shut behind him.  
No one had shown an interest in him before so he had been able to shove the thoughts and feelings deep down inside and do his best to ignore them and he thought he was doing a good job at hiding it. He couldn’t have his dad knowing what a fuck up he really was yet now it seemed like it was so obvious that everyone could see it. He felt sick and dirty. 

He spent hours in the shower that night trying to clean away the sickness that was buried under his skin.  
The next day at class everyone knew what had happened, Rhys had spread it around that he a 24-year-old man was a virgin who had never even kissed somebody.  
He learnt not to trust anybody after that.

Things didn’t change much over the next few years. 

He had tried to accept it and visited a few clubs and met a few people but after bumping into someone who knew his dad one night he never went back. He couldn’t risk it.  
Of course, his dad had to start seeing Lilly, it gave him more reason to come down and bother him in the ED.  
Now it seemed that whenever he started treating a high-risk patient his dad was breathing down his neck making him stumble over his words and forget even the most basic of things he learnt in training. 

Dylan was refusing to give him the answers to helping a patient anymore insisting that he knew what to do he just had to concentrate and think but he couldn’t his mind was blank. 

Another dead patient  
His dad took it upon himself to ask if he had managed to save anyone yet and if his next patient to die was going to be someone with a grazed knee.  
He felt worthless

Dylan had pulled him aside one shift and given him a lecture on confidence and to stop listening to his dad. He told him he was a good doctor and nothing his bully of a father said his going to change that. 

The stupid inspection had fucked everything up again.  
Why did it have to be him, he already had it out for him and Dylan but now he was targeting everyone else to. He had noticed other staff members talking to him less after finding out who is father was but after the inspection they were ignoring him even more. Dylan, Ethan and Max were pretty much the only people that didn’t glare when they looked at him now. 

And another patient lost. 

A young girl had come in with her friend after her friend fell from a balcony but whilst being treated the other girl had collapsed and started coughing up blood.  
He should have saved her.

Blood soaked through his scrubs and undershirt and he all he could smell was the metallic tang of it now smeared on his skin.  
Seb rushed out of resus and into the staff room where he peeled off his ruined scrubs. He looked down at the blood-stained material before him and tears dripped down on to it mixing in with the red. 

The door opened behind him and closed softly as footsteps shuffled closer.  
He was about to turn around and tell the person to fuck off when a gentle hand was placed on his shoulder.  
He knew who it was but he couldn’t face him.  
He couldn’t face seeing him look at him like a disappointment and a failure like his father did. 

“Seb, it wasn’t your fault” Dylan said 

“I could have saved her, it was routine this is all my fault” 

“there was nothing to be done, Sebastian. You did everything you could to save her. You are a fine doctor”

“you don’t believe that”

“it doesn’t matter what I believe. I want you to believe in yourself, to have confidence in your abilities” 

Seb scrubbed at his eyes trying to stop the tears from falling. Dylan had to just be trying to make him feel better he didn’t mean it how could anyone care about him enough to want him to believe in himself. 

“Sebastian your father is a bastard, trust me I know from experience with my own father. He treats you unfairly he bullies and belittles you but you mustn’t pay him any mind. Go to the Christmas party and have fun with the team” Dylan insisted 

“I can’t” 

“yes, you can”

“Fine, I’ll go if you go” 

Dylan sighed and glanced off to the side 

“Fine I might pop by for a few moments” 

Seb felt the last string holding him up finally snap and he lunged forward into Dylan’s arms and cried into his shoulder.  
Dylan awkwardly patted him on the back in an attempt at comfort. 

Seb had gone to the party and sat on his own in the corner of the room nursing a bottle of wine. The only person that said anything to him all night was Duffy who came over to give him a kiss on the cheek before stumbling off with her mistletoe. 

He waited for Dylan managing to get through three and a half bottles of wine before realising he wasn’t coming.  
He picked up the bag with the gift he had bought in it and grabbed the half empty bottle of wine and plodded out the door without a glance from any of the other party goers.  
The wind was bitterly cold as it lashed against his skin as he walked along the canal trying to find Dylan’s barge. 

He had spent the last week trying to think of what would be a fitting present for the man he so admired. He knew Dylan wasn’t the sentimental type so nothing slushy and overly Christmassy would be his taste and he wasn’t much of a drinker either so a nice wine would be wasted on him.  
Mid-week he had cornered Duffy and Charlie and asked them what they thought he might like but even they said they didn’t know but later Charlie pulled him aside and gave him a bit of paper with a number on it and told him to call as it was someone who could help. Seb asked who this person was and the only answer was that he was the only person that had ever managed to break down Dylan’s defences.

That night he called the number and a bubbly voice answered over the phone. 

“hello?”

“Hi um… You don’t know me but I was given your number by Charlie Fairhead…. He said you might be able to help with a problem.”

“What’s the problem” the man asked

“It’s about Dylan Keogh”

The voice on the other phone went silent to the point you could’ve heard a pin drop.

“Is…. Is Dylan okay?” the man sounded worried now.

“yes. Yes, he’s fine it’s not that sort of problem I was just told you might be able to help suggesting a Christmas present I could get for him.” 

The man let out a breath he must’ve been holding the entire time

“Oh, that’s good…. that’s very good. Well I’m not the best at gift giving the last thing I gave Dylan was a fridge magnet from a pound shop” he laughed

“So, that’s why he freaked out when Max accidentally knocked it under the lockers and he couldn’t find it for a couple of days.”

“He still keeps that?”

“yeah we just thought it was another Keoghism” 

“huh….”

“I don’t mean to sound rude but I don’t think we quite got to introducing ourselves. My name is Sebastian Grayling I’m a new doctor at Holby ED and Dylan is my mentor there.”

“I’m Ben, Ben Chiltern I used to be a nurse at Holby. People used to call me Lofty… apart from Dylan that is, to him I was always Ben.”  
Sebastian noted the way Lofty’s tone of voice changed when he spoke about Dylan.

“So, Lofty, can you help me with this gift?” 

“Dylan doesn’t care for material things usually, everything has to have a use and a purpose to him it has to have meaning. Get him something he can use that will also have sentimental value. Though if you really can’t think of anything just get Dervla some toys or something he spoils her more than anything in the world.” 

“Why would anything I give him hold sentimental value for him?” Seb asked

“I can’t tell you that Dr Grayling but I’m sure whatever you pick he will appreciate. I must go now but could you tell Dylan I said hello? I hope to visit soon”  
“of course, and thank you for your help Lofty. Merry Christmas” 

The line went dead.  
Well that hadn’t been much help after all

Seb staggered along the dock till he spotted Dylan’s boat. He went to knock but the door was unlatched so he stumbled in and half jogged down the steps.  
Dylan was standing in the living space staring at him in alarm before realising he wasn’t some yob breaking in.  
“I didn’t see you at the party…”

“Yes, well I had things I needed to do.” Dylan mumbled

“I waited for you for ages. I wanted to give you this” He said thrusting the paper bag into Dylan’s hands. He opened it and saw the brightly coloured tie inside.  
“I wasn’t sure what to get you so I asked Charlie and he told me to ask an old colleague of yours, a Lofty Chiltern? He said he would know, Lofty sends his regards by the way and says he hopes to visit soon”

Dylan suddenly looked up at him at Lofty’s name “Friend” he said quickly “Lofty wasn’t just my colleague, he was my friend.” 

Seb wasn’t sure he had ever heard Dylan call anyone his friend before he figured this Lofty guy must’ve been pretty special to earn that title.  
Dylan placed the tie down on the table and walked back to his record player seemingly ignoring his presence. 

“sorry, I’m interrupting, I should go” 

He made a quick retreat for the door. 

Dylan sighed behind him “no, no there is no need to leave so soon” 

Seb wasn’t entirely convinced he meant it but did as he was told and took a seat on a wooden chair. Dylan looked frustratedly between at everything but him.  
Seb’s heart sank “I’m sorry I screwed up at work again today. I’m sorry I lost another patient. I know I’m not a good doctor but I want to learn and one day be half as good as you”

Dylan looked angrily at him “Stop it, right now I have had enough of you putting yourself down. You are not your father you are a good doctor with a good heart. So, you made a few errors and lost a few patients but your errors and the patients you lost were not connected it happens we can’t save everyone it’s a fact you are going to have to get used to very fast if you really want to have a long-term career as a doctor. This nonsense about you being a bad doctor is utterly ridiculous and you need to get it out of your mind. I’m trying to help you here Seb. I’m trying to help you build up your self-confidence and believe in yourself because you are worth something and you do matter. I just want you to see that” 

Sebastian felt a tight grip around his heart and a sob caught in his throat. Every emotion flooded through him surging through every cell in his body.

“You really do care about me, don’t you?” he asked almost in disbelief

Dylan nodded almost shyly and Sebastian felt the tears prickle up and topple from his eye lashes. It felt like eternity that he sat there gaping at the man he respected so much, the man he cared about. 

Dylan walked across the room and leant against a door frame with folded arms and glared at the floor.  
Seb didn’t know what possessed him to get up but he found himself walking over to Dylan and placing his hands on either side of his head and leaning in to kiss him. He didn’t know if it was the alcohol but he knew he wouldn’t have dared in any other situation but somehow this move felt so right like it was meant to happen.  
Their lips were about to touch when Dylan through his hands up in a defensive move.

“whoa, whoa”

Oh god, he thought. Dylan was looking at him almost fearfully. What had he done? He didn’t even have time to process entirely what had happened before his feet were carrying him out of the room as fast as they could carry him. 

He ran the mile or so home and slammed the door behind him sinking down to the ground. It was Uni all over again except this time he couldn’t escape it. Soon everyone was going to know he was a filthy disgusting monster. 

He pulled at his hair in frustration, why had he done it? All this time and he had finally found someone he cared about him and honestly cared about him in return and made him feel normal and he had thrown it all away with this sickness inside of him. 

Dylan was going to stop being his mentor for good now and everyone will figure out what a little freak he is and he will be shunned.  
Seb was suddenly overcome with a wave of nausea and just managed to make it to the bathroom before he emptied his guts into the porcelain bowl. He heaved and gagged until his throat was roar and he let out hoarse sobs as he sat back against the bath exhausted. 

He managed to drag himself into his bedroom and shred himself of his clothes before burying himself under the duvet and silently crying himself to sleep in the foetal position.  
When he woke up that morning he couldn’t bring himself to eat breakfast he felt like all his insides had been filled with lead and were dragging him down so he just took a couple of aspirin with his coffee and headed out the door. 

When he arrived at Holby Dylan was nowhere to be found but thankfully no one else seemed to be paying him any mind either so he busied himself with his first patient.  
It wasn’t till lunch time that he encountered Dylan in the staff room that anyone seemed to figure out something was wrong between them. Dylan was standing at the counter sipping his drink and deciding on his next move on the chess game he had going with Max. He hadn’t noticed him come in until he turned the tap on to refill the kettle when he looked up and they locked eyes for a second before Dylan coughed awkwardly and mumbled something about notes and walked out the room.  
Suddenly Seb just didn’t feel so hungry anymore instead he just felt an ache in his chest. 

Cal was the first one to bring up why he and Dylan weren’t working together today. Seb couldn’t think of a valid answer so just shrugged and turned back to his patient files until Cal gave up and followed Alicia like a love-sick puppy. 

Seb waited by the entrance after his shift to try and catch Dylan and apologise and try and make things better, at least for the most part. He waited a good while and the sun was beginning to set when Charlie finished his shift and walked out the door towards his car before noticing him sitting on the bench.

“you alright there?” he asked

“Yeah, just waiting for Dylan”

“He left ages ago? Said he had an appointment with Ben Harding then left out the south entrance an hour later.” 

“oh…” he said dejectedly looking down at his feet as he scuffed them along the ground. 

“Do you need a lift home?” Charlie asked

“no thanks, I’m good. Just going to walk I think clear you head you know?” 

Charlie nodded “goodnight then” and climbed into his car and drove away. 

So, Dylan had taken a different exit to avoid seeing him. Was he really that disgusted at the sight of him? Seb trudged home as it started to rain and by the time he reached his door he was soaked to the bone. 

He quickly got changed into warm dry pyjamas he made himself a steaming hot coffee and lounged on the sofa to watch TV. After the third or fourth episode of Top Gear his tummy started to grumble so he got up to fix himself some dinner. He searched through the cupboards and fridge before settling on some pasta with tomato sauce. After it cooked he went back into the living room and picked a movie to watch and tucked in. 

About half an hour after he finished the food he felt violently sick and ran to the bathroom and puked until his head was screaming in agony and every muscle ached. He must be getting sick he thought to himself whilst cleaning up and getting a glass of water which he sipped slowly as he finished the movie. 

The credits rolled and he figured he may as well just head to bed now as he had a long day tomorrow and should get some rest. He had a quick shower and brushed his teeth turned up the heating as he was starting to feel a bit chilly as winter set in and went to bed hoping for a dreamless sleep. 

He woke in a sweat the next morning he had a fitful night’s sleep dreaming of everyone he knew taunting him when they found out what was wrong with him. How he had been fired and abandoned by everyone he called a friend, his dad now hated him so much he wouldn’t even mock him anymore. 

He tried to shake off the uneasy feeling that clouded his mind whilst he got himself ready packing his clean scrubs into his bag before wheeling his bike out the house and setting off.

When he arrived at work he realized he must’ve had a lot less sleep than he thought as just from that short ride he was out of breath and all his joints ached so when he got changed he downed a few paracetamols and a cup of coffee to set him up for the day. 

He got to about midday without catching site of Dylan so he asked Connie where he was and she said he was with a patient and walked off.  
Later that afternoon he was helping Duffy restocking the store room when he started feeling dizzy. He shook off the sensation and went back to putting sick bowls in their correct place when suddenly everything went black and he felt himself hit the hard floor and the wall behind him and Duffy yelling his name. The next thing he knows he’s on a hospital bed with Ethan fussing around him and Duffy holding his hand. When they noticed he was awake Ethan grabbed his notes from the end of the bed and looked through them.  
Duffy rubbed his shoulder soothingly “how are you feeling, sweetheart?” she asked, ever motherly in nature.

“What happened?” he asked groggily

“You fainted” Ethan said as he fiddled with the top of the clipboard “Sebastian… when was the last time you had something to eat?” he asked shyly.

“huh? This morning for breakfast” he replied defensively 

“your blood glucose levels are very low and you also have several vitamin deficiencies” he explained handing him the blood results. 

Seb read through them and handed them back “I’m fine it must’ve just been a random thing” 

Ethan murmured to himself unconvinced but could see he wasn’t going to get any answers out of Sebastian today. “Get yourself something sweet to eat and rest for a bit” he said. “Doctors orders” he walked out and shut the curtains again behind him. Duffy fussed around him checking his temperature and asked if he wanted to have a nap but he just thanked her and got up steadying himself with the bed rail as he did so before heading back to work. When he opened the curtains, Dylan was standing on the other side of the room watching the door intently but when he noticed Seb he scurried off. Seb just sighed and went back to work. 

A few months passed and Dylan still hadn’t spoken to him no matter how much he tried to pin him down. He seemed to be going to see Ben Harding every day now after each shift. 

The next morning, he woke up late having slept through his alarm as he had been feeling more tired recently which he put down to the amount of work they were getting in the ED as winter set in. He didn’t even have time to grab his morning coffee before he shot out the door and pedalled as fast as he could in the direction of the hospital. He passed by the ambulance bay and turned into the road that lead to the entrance of the hospital. As usual the road was busy with people traveling at speed to get to work on time or drop their kids off at school. Suddenly he felt dizzy again like he had a few months previous and his bike wheel swayed slightly but he managed to correct it if only for a few seconds before another spell hit and he went clattering to the ground in the middle of the road he felt the car wheels go over him before he blacked out.

“He’s losing a lot of blood can we pack these wounds please!” he heard Connie’s voice though it sounded like it was being muffled by a thousand pillows. “We need blood tests, a CT scan of his brain and an ultra sound to check for internal bleeding. We have a fractured wrist that needs setting and a double displacement in the fractures in his leg.” She listed “David can you focus on cleaning and stitching up all the superficial wounds to help prevent infection there and can someone get the anaesthetist down here and tell theatre we might need to prep him for surgery quite quickly. 

She finished talking and Seb could hear the muffled sound of people scuttling away. He felt the sudden intense pain that was spread across his whole body and he yelled out opening his eyes only to be blinded by the bright white light he assumed was from resus. 

“He’s awake” Louise called out to everyone.

Connie appeared above him “Doctor Grayling I need you to stay very still you have been in a very serious accident” she explained sternly before going about supervising everyone in the room. 

Duffy soon appeared above him with a kind smile and worried eyes. “It’s okay sweetheart. Just lay still and try and keep calm, we are going to look after you” she soothed.  
“H…ts” he rasped out the main on his face making it near on impossible to talk.

“I know it does sweetheart, I know but there is nothing more we can give you at the moment”

“w.wwwnt D…d..d” he rasped

“Your dad has been notified I’m sure he’s on his way” she reassured

“n…no”

“No what sweetheart?”

“Wa…nt Dy…an” he pleaded

“Dr Keogh?” she asked and Seb gurgled a sound in confirmation pain now so bad he couldn’t talk anymore. “I will go find him for you” She promised and rubbed a reassuring hand over the one bit of skin that didn’t feel like it was being shredded right now.

It felt like eternity that he lay there with the only sound coming from the machines and the doctors and nurses yelling instructions at each other.  
Connie came back into his line of sight “Dr Grayling we need to reset the fractures in your leg now to prepare for surgery as your pulse is starting to get fainter in your toes so the sooner we do it the greater your chances of everything going well.” She explained even though she knew he already knew the procedure it felt comforting to have it all laid out before him as it happened. 

David placed an oxygen mask over his face and placed his hands on either side of his hip to provide anchorage for when Connie pulled the bones back into place. He felt the bones crunch and grind and he screamed in agony as they were put back into place and a splint was put around them. Tears streaked down his face as he cried from the pain he felt exhausted and overwhelmed and didn’t know what was going to happen. All he knew was he wanted to see Dylan, he wanted him to reassure him and tell him everything’s going to be okay.

The door crashed open and he heard the person demand to know what had happened.  
“Calm down Dylan or get out” Connie barked.

Dylan, he was here.

“D…lan” Seb tried to call out to him “Hurts” 

He finally saw the man he cared so much about standing above him and instantly felt a small amount of relief that things might just be okay.  
“What happened Seb?” he asked

Duffy had trailed back in behind him and put her hand on Dylan’s shoulder “He was hit by a car cycling to work this morning” 

“has the driver been arrested?” Dylan demanded. 

“No, the police say that Dr Grayling feinted and fell from his bike into oncoming traffic”

“Feinted? Do we know why? Have his blood results come back yet?”

“Connie is chasing them up right now but this isn’t the first time this has happened.” She said.

“He collapsed whilst helping me organise the supply closet. Doctor Hardy treated him” she explained. “vitamin deficiency and exhaustion were found to be the cause of the first feinting attack”

Connie came back into resus and began poking and prodding him going through all the necessary checks. “Right, Dr Grayling we are going to prep you for surgery now” she said curtly and nurses busied themselves around him in whirl of motion and Max came in to push the trolley. 

In the end Seb needed several operations to put his bones back into place and remove infected tissue that was preventing it from healing. Connie had told him he was wheelchair bound for the foreseeable future whilst he healed and went through physiotherapy. Both his leg and arm were in a cast and he still had several stitches on his face chest and legs as well as large friction burns from being dragged along the ground by the car. He had a minor bleed on the brain and whilst there was no obvious sign of brain injury he was to be monitored closely to check for any other signs. 

Every member of the team had visited him multiple times. Robin, Louise and David had brought him cards and a cuddly toy and Robin and Louise excitedly told him about the progress of Robin’s baby. Max had come around during a lunch break and offered to play chess with him not realising that it wasn’t quite possible given his current situation. Charlie and Duffy visited together with a get-well card, some grapes and one of Charlies famous speeches. Cal and Ethan had visited together but just ended up bickering between themselves before the ward sister kicked them out. There was even a card from Lofty who must’ve heard about what happened from Robin and Max.  
Most importantly of all though was Dylan, who had sat by his bedside since he woke up only leaving to feed and walk Dervla. They hadn’t spoken much but his presence alone was calming. His dad hadn’t visited once. 

Dylan was reading the morning newspaper to him when Connie came in. “Dr Grayling” she said “Before your crash when was the last time you had something to eat?”  
Dylan tried to act like he wasn’t listening but his grip on the paper stiffened. 

“I…I don’t know” Seb replied still finding speech difficult “the day before maybe?”

Connie sighed and sat down on his bed “Sebastian, I think it might be a good idea for us to refer you to the mental health team. Given your history of feinting and exhaustion and what the current round of blood test results I personally believe you may have an eating disorder.” She explained

“I eat” he insisted

“Let me exam your face for a moment Sebastian.” She said putting on some rubber gloves. “open your mouth please” he opened his mouth as much as he could manage and she shone her pen torch inside. “Sebastian your teeth and gums show signs of frequent exposure to stomach acid, commonly found in patients with bulimia nervosa”  
Dylan had given up trying to act like he was reading the paper now.

“You are under the healthy amount of weight for someone of your age and height and it is taking its toll on your body. I believe this is why you passed out that morning”  
Dylan stood up and walked to Sebastian’s side “How long has this been going on Seb?” he asked. 

Seb tried not to let the tears welling up in his eyes flow. “I didn’t mean to. I just forgot and thought I was sick and then it just became part of my routine and it helped clear my head a bit” 

“How long Sebastian?” he asked again

Seb couldn’t hold the tears back anymore “A few months. I’m so sorry Dylan…I….I Just needed some control”

Dylan reached out and clasped Seb’s unbroken hand in his and gently wiped away his tears with the other. “It’s Okay Seb. You can get through this. We can help you, it will be hard and a constant struggle to begin with but like with my OCD it can be managed”

Connie stood up then “I will go arrange with Dr Harding to start your treatment whilst you are still in here and leave you two to talk” She left giving them both a stern but knowing nod. 

“I’m sorry” Seb whispered tearfully “everything just built up in my head like a coke bottle that’s been shaken to hard and the fizz can’t escape until eventually it explodes” 

“Now isn’t the time for apologies, now is the time for healing” Dylan said “Look, we need to get this talk out of the way because it’s not good for either of us to leave it hanging in the air like this. I am not good with people. I don’t like them and I don’t understand them and they don’t like or understand me. I know I have the social skills of a plank of wood and that I can be rude often but I do care about you Sebastian” Dylan sat down again still holding on to Seb’s hand. 

“There have been very few people in my life that I can ever say I have truly cared for and those I can count on one hand and only one person I can say I have truly loved but every single person I have put my faith in has left me so I refuse to trust anyone on instinct. Zoe was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a sister but she left the country and Ben, well, I pushed him to hard and I broke him and now he has gone to so when you came into my life and you were the perfect mix of both I didn’t know how to react other than to push you away and again I ended up hurting you to. You wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me.” 

“No Dylan, this isn’t your fault I’ve been screwed up in the head for a long time before I met you” Seb assured. 

“It wouldn’t have come to this if I hadn’t have pushed you so hard” 

“Dylan….” 

They sat in silence for a while just mulling over the situation. 

“Ben” Seb said “did you love him?” 

Dylan looked up in surprise “what?”

“where you in love with him?” he asked again

“I..I….yes” 

“Do you still love him?”

“Yes”

“I think he still loves you to”

Dylan scoffed “Ben never loved me as more than a friend and I broke that friendship and now he’s gone for good” 

“Didn’t sound like it when I spoke to him”

“You know him?” Dylan asked, surprised.

“No, not exactly. Remember that night? When I brought you that gift? Well I had been trying to think of something to get you for ages so I asked Charlie and he gave me Lofty’s number and said he was the best person to ask” Seb explained.

“Did he say where he was living now?”

“No, but you can have his number if you like I’m sure he’d love to hear from you again.” 

Dylan’s eyes brimmed with pain “I can’t” 

“Look, I get it okay. If you could see your face when you talk about him then you would know how I feel every second I’m around you.”

“Seb” Dylan interrupted

“No, it’s okay Dylan I know you don’t feel the same and I’m perfectly fine with that because that is just how life is. You mean much more to me than a romantic interest you are the first person I’ve ever met who has treated me with respect and as an equal. I enjoy your friendship and your company and if that’s all are relationship is ever going to be then I will be grateful for having it. Do you know what my focus has been since coming to work here? It’s been trying to make you proud of me and every time I fucked up it hurt but it made me try harder. None of what has happened to me is in any way your fault if any blame can be pointed on any person other than myself it’s my dad not you but Dylan I can see the pain in your eyes and I can see how lonely you are. This front doesn’t fool me and it clearly didn’t fool Lofty now for christs sake just give him a call” Seb felt relief at getting everything off his chest it felt very therapeutic but it also wore him out and he felt himself starting to drift to sleep. 

“Be happy Dylan” he slurred before he drifted into a peaceful slumber.

He ended up sleeping most of the day and evening had set in. Dylan finally agreed to go home and get some proper rest as he had to go to work in the morning. A nurse had come in and said his first appointment with Ben Harding would be that evening which had put him in a bit of a grumpy mood at the thought of seeing a psychiatrist. 

An hour later a short kind faced man with salt and pepper hair walked into the room and introduced himself. 

“hello, I’m Ben Harding. Miss Beauchamp asked me to come speak with you.” 

Seb nodded and the man took a seat where Dylan had sat earlier. 

“I hope you don’t mind but shortly we will be joined by a psychiatry student who is interning with me for the last part of his qualification.” He explained 

Seb nodded but didn’t feel like replying verbally. 

“Now, I understand that Connie believes you have an eating disorder. Could you tell me why she believes that to be so?” 

Seb shrugged and picked at the cast on his arm. 

“Do you consider yourself to be overweight Dr Grayling?” he asked 

Seb shook his head

“Do you often feel the urge to binge eat after a stressful situation?” 

He shook his head again. 

“Do you ever starve yourself for long periods of time and then purge when you do eat?”

Seb stilled. 

“How long have you been doing this for Dr Grayling?” 

Seb shrugged “few months” he replied. He knew he sounded like a petulant child but he couldn’t help feeling irritated by the barrage of questions. 

“Have you ever had this urge before or is it a recent development?” Ben asked 

“Recent” he said quickly.

Ben didn’t sound all to convinced when he replied “are you sure?” 

Seb sighed “maybe a few times when I was younger” 

Ben nodded “And what do you think triggered this urge during these periods” 

Seb was about to reply when a man about his age walked into the room with a notebook and promptly fell over his own feet and clattered to the floor. “Sorry” he said pushing his brown curls out of his eyes and getting up to his feet dusting himself off and scurrying to take a seat next to Ben. 

Ah, right on time and arriving in his usual fashion” Ben said jovially tilting his head in the direction of the other man “This is Ben Chiltern the intern I mentioned earlier who is taking a break from nursing to study psychiatric therapy” 

Seb’s eyes went wide when he heard the name “Lofty” he gasped “you’re Lofty”. 

Ben raised an eyebrow at the outburst. The younger man beside him smiled widely his eyes beamed

“Hey Seb looks like we finally got to meet in person” 

“You two know each other?” Ben asked

“not exactly” Lofty explained “We’ve spoken on the phone. I used to work here as a nurse so we share several mutual acquaintances”

“uh huh…” Ben said “anyway back to what we were discussing before. Sebastian what do you think triggered these periods of unhealthy eating patterns?”

Seb felt slightly uncomfortable having this conversation now Lofty was in the room but he knew that there was no way of escaping it in the long run. 

“a few different things really. My dad, coursework, my own mind turning against me” he replied

“And what do you mean by your own mind turning against you?” Ben asked

“That I should hate myself and be ashamed for what I am. I convince myself I’m disgusting and worthless and wrong and I know it’s not true but it’s always their niggling away at the back of my mind.” 

“What are you ashamed of?”

“being gay” Seb whispered after a pause. It was the first time he had ever said it out loud and it felt good in a way but also terrifying. 

“Ah. Well Sebastian I can assure you there is nothing wrong with your sexuality that is perfectly normal. I am going to book you in for twice weekly sessions whilst you are recovering and we shall go from there.” He stood up and smiled kindly at him. “perhaps ‘Lofty’ you would like to stay and keep your acquaintance company for a while” and with that he walked out. 

Seb looked back at the curly haired man “I didn’t know you were still in Holby, Dylan said you had moved away” 

“I did” the man replied “but when the opportunity came up to take my final bit of experience in Holby I jumped at the chance. I’ve only been here a week”

“Does Dylan know?” he asked

“I’ve not had a chance to speak to him yet”

“He misses you. A lot”

Lofty smiled sadly “I’ve missed him. It’s been a long year without him” 

“Then go find him”

Lofty shook his head “No, I don’t want to disturb him now he’s got a lot on his mind”

“Lofty, you are on his mind. I think you have been since you left. Go after him, you know where he lives.” Seb insisted. 

Lofty got up “It has been nice meeting you in person Sebastian. I will come visit you again soon but right now I need to go and visit the human embodiment of grumpy cat” he said with a wave as he walked out the door. 

Seb smiled and lay back against the pillow. 

For once he felt happy. 

~  
Seb was kept in for two months before he was discharged. He had needed several more surgeries to repair his broken limbs but they were now almost healed and he was beginning physio. 

He was given strict orders not to go home alone as he would need someone’s help and after much hinting and pushing from Lofty, Dylan had volunteered his help along with Lofty. Dylan wasn’t happy about not being on his boat but Seb couldn’t have got his wheelchair on and off and it would’ve felt really cramped with the three of them living in such a small space. 

Over the two months since Lofty had come back Seb had watched as his and Dylan’s relationship blossomed. He actually got to see the man smile for the first time which is something he seemed to do a lot in Lofty’s presence. The rest of the team seemed to be slightly creeped out by seeing Dylan cheerful all the time even if he still did have the bedside manner of a goat. 

Seb had progressed a lot with his sessions with Ben Harding. They had discussed all his thoughts and feelings that related to his eating issues and though it was still a day to day struggle that had frequent slip ups and set-backs he felt like he was making good progress. 

One of the things that he had worked on with Dr Harding is his issues with his father. They had worked together on a letter that he sent to him expressing all his anger and hatred about how he had been treated throughout his life and all the shame he had inflicted on him. He told him everything that had happened over the last year and finally got to tell him that he was gay without feeling ashamed. 

Eating was still a daily struggle that would often end in arguments, often with only himself, when he couldn’t bring himself to eat anything or was fighting the urge to puke it up again if he did eat. He felt like a child at dinner time when Dylan and Lofty sat on either side of him just watching making sure he actually did get some sustenance. He felt ridiculous as he cried every time he swallowed down even the smallest bite but he needed to get better. For the first time, he even felt like he wanted to get better. 

When Dylan and Lofty were at work and he was left to his own devices at home he was grateful for Dervla’s company. She had definitely forgiven him since the incident with the bike and had taken to following him around like a long-lost soul. Dylan hadn’t been so happy about having to share her love with three people now.

~~~

It was six months’ post-accident and he was finally going back to work after being given the all clear by Connie. His bones were healed and although he still had some pretty grizzly looking scars he looked almost normal again. After a month of being out the hospital he had been declared well enough to not need his two shadows monitoring his every move as he needed to learn to cope on his own. 

He had kept up his twice weekly sessions with Dr Harding and was proud to say he had gone a month without purging at all. His father still hadn’t made contact but from what he gathered from Max when he came around for a movie night was that his father had decided to take early retirement and move abroad. 

He felt slightly nervous as he stood outside the hospital doors ready for his first shift back. He wondered how people would react to him or if they would treat him differently or with kid gloves now. 

“Don’t be late on your first day back Dr Grayling. You wouldn’t want to start off with a bad impression now would you.” Said a stern voice from behind him. 

He turned around and saw Dylan glaring at him jokingly. Lofty was there also resting his head against Dylan’s shoulder as they held hands. 

They walked into the ED together and when he entered the staff room to dump off his bag before going to work the moment he opened the door he was bombarded with confetti and party poppers going off in his face and cheers and calls of “welcome back” and “we missed you” from the rest of the team as they clapped and welcomed him back. 

He finally felt like he had a proper family.


End file.
